If I was sane about it, you would have killed me, Jack. I knew I had to kill you and I knew I couldn't be delicate about it because there was no way you weren't going down without a fight with the memories you had.
But the eye thing I regret. I don't know what I was thinking and the only way I can justify it is just... I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy? Or am crazy. I'm just so angry all the time and I don't question what I do anymore. I know, I was always impulsive but I swear it's way, way, way worse lately. I think I've lost my mind? Shit.
I SWEAR it'll work this time. You don't have to believe me but I know what I'm doing, I swear to god. Things WILL work out. Just trust me one last time, okay? And then, fuck. I don't know. You can divorce me if you want. You deserve that now, I know that.
[ but ughhh how is he going to explain the rest. typing this out is hard and makes him feel ill but he's trying so hard to be honest for jack here because -- well, it's jack. his other half! his better half! ]
Vault Tec offered me a position in one of their Vaults as a staff member. I asked about you and they said it wouldn't be extended. So, I made a deal. I'll work for them here if you were brought in too. Not as a staff member, just as a resident. I... knew it wasn't exactly on the up and up here but I thought I'd be able to avoid most of the bad stuff with you, and once it was over we could just spend the rest of the time together. It was either you come in here with me or I leave you out there. There wasn't much of a choice when it came to me NOT joining the Vault.
So, I thought it'd be fine. Didn't know about the memories. Now I'm trying to make up for it. Even if we're together ... digitally, isn't that fine too? Still meets the same end we were looking for.
You realize I thought you killed me so you could have that spot yourself, right? Thought you abandoned me. And to be honest here? Still not sure if that's your plan or not. So I can't really trust you swearing it'll work this time. How many times have you said "I know what I'm doing" and I'm the one to come save your ass? Because no, you don't. Otherwise this wouldn't have happened.
So I don't know if it's going to be fine. I can't trust you with that anymore.
You finish whatever the hell it is you feel like is so goddamn important, then kill yourself. Or get someone to kill you. Whatever.
You come talk to me in person. Then I'll believe you.
Why the hell would I ever do that? You are... really misunderstanding me here, Jack. Or doubting me. Or whatever the hell is going through your head and I'm sorry if how violent I was when I killed you made you doubt me but Jack, seriously?
One thing that's always true with us, no matter what: I'm always on your side. It doesn't matter how fucked up things get between us or some bullshit that pops up or, hell, even if I've genuinely lost it here. Doesn't matter because I'm with you, always. You're my other half, you colossal asshole! It's fucking killing me not to be with you right now!
I love you. I love you. And I'd repeat it a thousand times if it gets you to fucking believe me! I'd never abandon you, you're my partner. You'll never have to worry about that with me, even if I do something that makes no sense to you. Even with the fake memories, I still only ever thought of you. Doesn't that mean something to you?
Because I'm here and you're not, dumbass. It'd be one thing if you were actually here because then I could just kick the shit out of you for being a crazy asshole and killing me and feel better.
I'm angrier than I've ever been alright? At you for dragging me into this bullshit in the first place, at having this whole other life that isn't even real, at the life we did have just being gone now, there's a lot of just shit. that I'm super angry about. And a lot of it is your fault. Like, I'm still gonna punch you in the face and break YOUR nose this time, but
Okay pause because goddammit you know what else I'm pissed about? Having to write this. You know I hate doing this kind of stuff
Yeah it does mean something. That's why you said that thing about that moon right? Elpis? Fuck it's weird knowing all this stuff and knowing it's all just... made up.
Sorry. Look, we don't have to talk about this crap anymore, okay? I'm going to get to you as soon as I can, I promise. Just wait a few more days and you'll see. Then you can kick my ass as much as you want. I know I deserve it, Jack.
And yeah, that's why I said it. Did you really think I could know the truth more than a few hours without doing something about it? If I told you, you would've been pissed at me. So, I don't know, I just thought to take us both out since I knew we'd end up where you are now. Fuck!! This is so stupid!!
Fine. I'm not forgiving you btw, not yet, but I can wait I guess
I mean no. In retrospect now that's why you were being super touchy feely when I was patching you up, kind of obvious. Wish your DUMB ASS PLAN had worked but I'm asking about Elpis because that was what I was super focused on. You weren't saying that to be a dick, were you?
Also, you have no idea. Or maybe you do. whatever. Rhys I have knowledge of these memes, like, extensive knowledge. What the hell is a meme though? Like we didn't call my dad jokes memes but now I know they're memes and that's so goddamn stupid
Actually, I was kind of saying it to be a dick but look, I was kind of mad that you seemed to give more of a shit about some fake moon than me? You were totally willing to throw me under the bus FOR A FAKE MOON. A MOON THAT IS FAKE. ASSHOLE.
Maybe they'll just... go away. I bet the memes will leave if you try really hard. Just, you know, stop paying attention to them.
you are such a piece of shit sometimes you know that
how many times do I have to say I DIDN'T REMEMBER WHO YOU WERE before you get it? which again, your goddamn fault in the first place. also fuck you these memories may be weird and crazy and in space for some reason??? but I still know damn well because of that fakeass company that we worked for that you would've thrown ME under the bus if you thought it would get you a promotion
dick
also no this is part of me being mad at you. you have to suffer these memes until you die because you're the only person that knows what they mean.
WELL I KNOW THAT!! But it still sucked that you didn't. Why didn't your fake memories have me in them?? What the fuck was that about? I mean other than blatantly showing you don't care about me as much as I care about you. That I'm pretty sure I knew before we even got here, so fuck you if I wanted a little payback for that.
And YOU would've thrown ME under the bus too SINCE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID. FYI. YOU THREW ME UNDER THE BUS HERE. I know I killed you but you're not exactly coming up clean either, fucker.
No, you are not going to use the memes to punish me. What the fuck? I don't deserve that.
I don't know! I didn't get to friggin pick them so ask judy? which fuck you too because you can't bring that kind of stuff into what memories I got saddled with because that is NOT MY FAULT jesus
I DIDN'T THROW YOU UNDER THE BUS UNTIL YOU WERE A CRAZY ASSHOLE RHYS
that's less throwing someone under the bus and watching as they get run over by a bus after they go stand in the middle of traffic
so, yeah, fuck you here we go
I'm standing in your server room Cuz I got kicked while playing Doom The lights are dim, but I can see Your hardware is so quality I need to apply the patch So I can get back in the match But something's caught my eye A mainframe reaching through the sky
You've got a good looking mainframe I like the size of your mainframe I have a query for your mainframe Can I make an input output request?
It's standing there so shiny Will you accept my query? I need to prove this theory Anticipate is killing me If you could just calculate What is the optimum rate? I know you'll pass the test Your monolithic mainframe is the best
You've got a good looking mainframe I like the size of your mainframe I have a query for your mainframe Can I make an input output request?
So what?? It still made everything I did here for YOU and now you're acting like I stabbed you in the back when everything since I got here has been FOR YOU. EVEN GETTING US HERE WAS FOR YOU. SO FUCK YOU.
YOU HELPED HER?? YOU HELPED THE WOMAN OBVIOUSLY INVESTIGATING THE STAFF WHEN YOU KNEW I WAS STAFF. HOW IS THAT NOT THROWING ME UNDER THE BUS?
AND FUCK YOU YOU'RE NOT GETTING THAT SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD
okay I am not acting here because you didn't stab me in the back you stabbed me in the face remember
I wasn't going to let her kill YOU that was the whole goddamn point! we need one staff member for information oh wow look there's one of them actually WILLING TO TALK TO US (or at least me). she kind of agreed until you went BATSHIT CRAZY
{o,o} |)__) -“-“- O RLY? because I totally think I am dickweed
AND BIGBY WAS A STAFF MEMBER, YOU MORON. SHE WAS NEVER GOING TO TRUST ME WHEN SHE ALREADY HAD BIGBY IN HER POCKET, YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT!!!! HE SPENT ALL HIS TIME TRYING TO NOT GET HER KILLED AND WAS OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO SELL US OUT TO HER!!!!!!!!!! STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE FACT YOU THREW ME UNDER THE BUS FOR SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNEW. OF COURSE I HAD TO TAKE US BOTH OUT, OTHERWISE I WAS GOING TO DIE AND YOU WERE GOING TO KEEP BELIEVING SOMETHING THAT WASN'T TRUE AT ALL, EVEN IF YOU GOT OUT OF HERE. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO YOU!!!!!!!!!
you wouldn't have believed me, jack. i knew what i was doing but there's certain shit i couldn't tell you and instead you thought i was fucking everything up.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But the eye thing I regret. I don't know what I was thinking and the only way I can justify it is just... I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy? Or am crazy. I'm just so angry all the time and I don't question what I do anymore. I know, I was always impulsive but I swear it's way, way, way worse lately. I think I've lost my mind? Shit.
I SWEAR it'll work this time. You don't have to believe me but I know what I'm doing, I swear to god. Things WILL work out. Just trust me one last time, okay? And then, fuck. I don't know. You can divorce me if you want. You deserve that now, I know that.
[ but ughhh how is he going to explain the rest. typing this out is hard and makes him feel ill but he's trying so hard to be honest for jack here because -- well, it's jack. his other half! his better half! ]
Vault Tec offered me a position in one of their Vaults as a staff member. I asked about you and they said it wouldn't be extended. So, I made a deal. I'll work for them here if you were brought in too. Not as a staff member, just as a resident. I... knew it wasn't exactly on the up and up here but I thought I'd be able to avoid most of the bad stuff with you, and once it was over we could just spend the rest of the time together. It was either you come in here with me or I leave you out there. There wasn't much of a choice when it came to me NOT joining the Vault.
So, I thought it'd be fine. Didn't know about the memories. Now I'm trying to make up for it. Even if we're together ... digitally, isn't that fine too? Still meets the same end we were looking for.
no subject
So I don't know if it's going to be fine. I can't trust you with that anymore.
You finish whatever the hell it is you feel like is so goddamn important, then kill yourself. Or get someone to kill you. Whatever.
You come talk to me in person. Then I'll believe you.
no subject
One thing that's always true with us, no matter what: I'm always on your side. It doesn't matter how fucked up things get between us or some bullshit that pops up or, hell, even if I've genuinely lost it here. Doesn't matter because I'm with you, always. You're my other half, you colossal asshole! It's fucking killing me not to be with you right now!
I love you. I love you. And I'd repeat it a thousand times if it gets you to fucking believe me! I'd never abandon you, you're my partner. You'll never have to worry about that with me, even if I do something that makes no sense to you. Even with the fake memories, I still only ever thought of you. Doesn't that mean something to you?
no subject
I'm angrier than I've ever been alright? At you for dragging me into this bullshit in the first place, at having this whole other life that isn't even real, at the life we did have just being gone now, there's a lot of just shit. that I'm super angry about. And a lot of it is your fault. Like, I'm still gonna punch you in the face and break YOUR nose this time, but
Okay pause because goddammit you know what else I'm pissed about? Having to write this. You know I hate doing this kind of stuff
Yeah it does mean something. That's why you said that thing about that moon right? Elpis? Fuck it's weird knowing all this stuff and knowing it's all just... made up.
no subject
And yeah, that's why I said it. Did you really think I could know the truth more than a few hours without doing something about it? If I told you, you would've been pissed at me. So, I don't know, I just thought to take us both out since I knew we'd end up where you are now. Fuck!! This is so stupid!!
no subject
I mean no. In retrospect now that's why you were being super touchy feely when I was patching you up, kind of obvious. Wish your DUMB ASS PLAN had worked but I'm asking about Elpis because that was what I was super focused on. You weren't saying that to be a dick, were you?
Also, you have no idea. Or maybe you do. whatever. Rhys I have knowledge of these memes, like, extensive knowledge. What the hell is a meme though? Like we didn't call my dad jokes memes but now I know they're memes and that's so goddamn stupid
no subject
Actually, I was kind of saying it to be a dick but look, I was kind of mad that you seemed to give more of a shit about some fake moon than me? You were totally willing to throw me under the bus FOR A FAKE MOON. A MOON THAT IS FAKE. ASSHOLE.
Maybe they'll just... go away. I bet the memes will leave if you try really hard. Just, you know, stop paying attention to them.
no subject
how many times do I have to say I DIDN'T REMEMBER WHO YOU WERE before you get it? which again, your goddamn fault in the first place. also fuck you these memories may be weird and crazy and in space for some reason??? but I still know damn well because of that fakeass company that we worked for that you would've thrown ME under the bus if you thought it would get you a promotion
dick
also no this is part of me being mad at you. you have to suffer these memes until you die because you're the only person that knows what they mean.
no subject
And YOU would've thrown ME under the bus too SINCE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID. FYI. YOU THREW ME UNDER THE BUS HERE. I know I killed you but you're not exactly coming up clean either, fucker.
No, you are not going to use the memes to punish me. What the fuck? I don't deserve that.
no subject
I DIDN'T THROW YOU UNDER THE BUS UNTIL YOU WERE A CRAZY ASSHOLE RHYS
that's less throwing someone under the bus and watching as they get run over by a bus after they go stand in the middle of traffic
so, yeah, fuck you here we go
I'm standing in your server room
Cuz I got kicked while playing Doom
The lights are dim, but I can see
Your hardware is so quality
I need to apply the patch
So I can get back in the match
But something's caught my eye
A mainframe reaching through the sky
You've got a good looking mainframe
I like the size of your mainframe
I have a query for your mainframe
Can I make an input output request?
It's standing there so shiny
Will you accept my query?
I need to prove this theory
Anticipate is killing me
If you could just calculate
What is the optimum rate?
I know you'll pass the test
Your monolithic mainframe is the best
You've got a good looking mainframe
I like the size of your mainframe
I have a query for your mainframe
Can I make an input output request?
no subject
YOU HELPED HER?? YOU HELPED THE WOMAN OBVIOUSLY INVESTIGATING THE STAFF WHEN YOU KNEW I WAS STAFF. HOW IS THAT NOT THROWING ME UNDER THE BUS?
AND FUCK YOU YOU'RE NOT GETTING THAT SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD
no subject
I wasn't going to let her kill YOU that was the whole goddamn point! we need one staff member for information oh wow look there's one of them actually WILLING TO TALK TO US (or at least me). she kind of agreed until you went BATSHIT CRAZY
{o,o}
|)__)
-“-“-
O RLY?
because I totally think I am dickweed
no subject
AND BIGBY WAS A STAFF MEMBER, YOU MORON. SHE WAS NEVER GOING TO TRUST ME WHEN SHE ALREADY HAD BIGBY IN HER POCKET, YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT!!!! HE SPENT ALL HIS TIME TRYING TO NOT GET HER KILLED AND WAS OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO SELL US OUT TO HER!!!!!!!!!! STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE FACT YOU THREW ME UNDER THE BUS FOR SOMEONE YOU BARELY KNEW. OF COURSE I HAD TO TAKE US BOTH OUT, OTHERWISE I WAS GOING TO DIE AND YOU WERE GOING TO KEEP BELIEVING SOMETHING THAT WASN'T TRUE AT ALL, EVEN IF YOU GOT OUT OF HERE. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO YOU!!!!!!!!!
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!
no subject
why didn't you just say that?
no subject
i wasn't.
no subject
no subject
fuck off, i don't want to talk to you anymore until i'm done here.
no subject
no subject